I’m a huge Alan Jackson fan and someone posted today on Facebook the song he wrote after 9-11 - here’s the video from him performing it just a short while after the attacks:

As I sat and watched that video this morning, that day (a day you can never forget if you were in any way involved or knew someone close who was there) came flooding back to me. It was a beautiful day across America and in St. Louis it was no different. I dropped of my son who at the time was merely 18 mos. old (he’s now 10) at daycare and headed to work. As I shut off my Eddie Bauer Expedition at 7:53 CDT I remember Nan Wyatt and Doug McElven on KMOX saying that they had just gotten reports of a plane hitting the World Trade Center. Thinking nothing of it, I walked inside. It was a long walk (took about 10 minutes to get through underground tunnels and through security and to my desk). By the time I set everything down at my desk inside of CitiMortgage’s building, the place was beginning to really buzz. I asked what was going on and someone said that a 2nd plane had hit the 2nd tower. It was 8:05 CDT.

As I watched everyone rush to the cafeteria I followed where somehow someone had already gotten a TV on a cart set up and we sat there absolutely mesmerized. I mean stunned. I remember silence. No one had any words. No one could say anything. It was 8:15 CDT. And it was about this time that it hit me - HOLY *@*$# my wife is right there. I panicked. I began trying to find anyone in our building who knew the whereabouts of the team that had flown into New Jersey the night before and was meeting at our building right across the Hudson River.

2 Hours. 2 Of The longest hours I’ve ever spent or will ever spend on this Earth. 120 minutes. I didn’t know if she was alive. I didn’t know if she was dead. But here I was, helpless, 1,000 miles away watching terrorists use planes as missiles and destroying buildings just hundreds of yards where my wife was. I watched buildings fall. I watched people jump to their death. I watched chaos like none of us have ever seen descend upon lower Manhattan and pretty much the entire USA. Was she dead? Would I see her again? Would my son ever know his mom? What have I done? What has my desire for the American dream cost me? Would God forgive me? How would I ever explain this to her family? How could I ever go on? My world - much like the towers - was imploding and leaving my version of what mattered in life in a big pile of rubble. 2 hours.

Then, just after 10:00 am CDT - the phone rang. It was my wife. She was alive. I could hear panic in her voice. I could hear air raid sirens in the background. I still to this day have no idea how she got a phone call out. Thank God for cellphones that day. And the first words out of her mouth: “I don’t know what’s going to change, but something has to”. Words that changed the course of our lives. Words spoken directly from God himself. Words that pierced a selfish husband’s soul.

I did sit down and cry that day Alan. I also spoke to stranger on the street. I did dust off that Bible at home. I did go to a church where I asked an entire congregation to pray that my 18 mo old son would see his mom again. And I did thank God I had somebody to love. And 9 yrs later - I cling tight to my family. And I cry again as I remember that day. I remember picking Trey up from daycare and holding him so tight. I remember barely being able to drive because I was shaking so bad. I remember Jim Friedrichsmeyer (one of the most Godly men I have ever met) comforting me. I remember my boss telling me to get out of work and go. I remember how crisp and beautiful that day was. I remember sitting alone in a huge empty house wondering what the hell good it was if the woman that I loved so much wasn’t going to be there with me. I remember Jenni’s mom and dad calling me to ask if their daughter was alive?

I did rejoice Alan because my wife was able to drive away from the rubble. And I did sob for the one’s left below. I did burst out with pride for the red, white, and blue and the heroes who died just doing what they do. They, along with my life, were forever altered. I, was blessed by God to be able to hug Jenni 2 days later. They, this day don’t have that luxury.

And yes that night, I opened my eyes and hoped it never happened and closed my eyes and did not go to sleep. I sat on the back deck, smoking a cigarette and wondering how much different things could have been that day. And how different things were going to be afterwards.

And 9 years later - I remember clearly where I was when the world stopped turning on that September day. And I hear the echo of those words: “I don’t know what’s going to change - but something has to.”

And I wonder - is God saying those words to me again today?